As I have grown older, I find myself spending more time reflecting on what has made life meaningful. At ninety-three years old, I have lived long enough to see children grow into grandparents, social attitudes change, and even my own understanding of the gospel deepen. One thing that has never changed is my belief in free agency. Many people think free agency means being free to do only what is approved by others. I see it differently.
God gave us agency so we could choose for ourselves, learn from our experiences, and become the people we are capable of becoming. Agency is not the freedom from consequences. It is the freedom to choose our path and then learn from where it leads us. I have five children. They are good people. They are thoughtful, caring, and responsible. Yet they do not all believe exactly as I do. At times I have been disappointed by some of their conclusions, especially when they look at difficult social issues through a different lens than I would.
Then I remember something important.
I taught them to think.
I taught them to ask questions.
I taught them to be honest with themselves.
If I truly believe in agency, I must allow them the same freedom I claim for myself. That may be one of the hardest lessons a parent ever learns. My husband taught me another lesson. He had a strong testimony of the gospel. He loved the Church and devoted his life to it. Yet he smoked for forty years and struggled with alcohol.
Many people saw those habits and judged him by them. I saw the whole man. I saw a loving husband. I saw a devoted father. I saw a man who was willing to stay home and raise our children while I became the primary wage earner. I saw someone who believed deeply, even when he struggled.
Too often we measure people by their weaknesses instead of by their hearts. Statistics do the same thing. They count actions, but they do not tell stories. They tell us how many people did something, but not why. They count choices, but not the lives behind those choices.
As I look back on my life, I find myself less interested in judging people and more interested in understanding them. Perhaps that is one reason I still go to church every week. At my age, there is not much left for me to accomplish. My greatest contribution may simply be my example. I go because I like myself better when I go.
I go because it reminds me who I am. I go because it brings peace to my heart. I do not go because anyone forces me. I go because it helps me become the person I want to be. My father taught me a principle that has stayed with me my entire life. He used to say: “It is better to learn to love what you have to eat than to regret what you can’t afford.”
The older I become, the wiser that statement sounds. It is not really about food. It is about contentment. Many people spend their lives wishing for something different. They look at what others have and become unhappy with what they themselves possess.
Real happiness comes when we learn to appreciate what we have been given. I believe happiness comes from within. It comes from living in harmony with your values. It comes from knowing that you have done your best. It comes from accepting responsibility for your choices and allowing others the dignity of making their own.
Free agency is one of God’s greatest gifts. It allows us to learn, to grow, to repent, to forgive, and to become. As I look at my children, my grandchildren, and the world around me, I hope I can remember to do what God does. Love people. Respect their agency. Encourage goodness. And leave the final judgment to Him.
From my heart to yours,
Marlene Z Kaiser
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