I have decided to begin sharing short daily reflections during my radiation treatments.
These will not be medical reports as much as moments from the journey — fatigue, faith, small victories, family memories, prayer, worry, courage, and whatever each day teaches me.
Yesterday I was so drained I slept much of the day. Then I could not sleep all night, so I sang old Christmas songs, prayed, and reminded myself that everything was going to be okay.
This morning at 4:30, I got up and walked 1,300 steps toward my daily goal. I am learning that healing, like life, may come in small steps. After four radiation treatments, I have begun to feel the effects more each day.
I have six more treatments to go, followed by a month or two of waiting to see what has happened. In the meantime, I am constantly telling my body to use every resource available to destroy and completely obliterate these cancer cells.
The first three days I was mostly overtired. I took several naps and, despite the fatigue, felt pretty good. Yesterday was different. I began to feel the strain on my body and found myself worrying that things might get much worse before they get better, because that is often how life seems to work.
If my mother were still here, I would have called her and shared my worries, just to hear her say, “Go ahead and worry, because most of what we worry about never happens.”
I needed support, and while Mom is no longer here, I am blessed with a wonderful, kind, and loving daughter who has been there for me in her absence.
Still, I felt horrible. My head was swimming, my concentration was gone, and after sleeping so much during the day, I couldn’t sleep at night. I used the old Christmas carols and church hymns to calm my nerves while I prayed that my body would hold up through the treatments and leave me enough strength and health to complete the things I still hope to do in this life.
Today I hurt more than usual, and the pain pills are not helping as much as they normally do. My stomach is upset, and eating doesn’t appeal to me, so I chose a banana. It may not be a miracle cure, but if it can help keep those gorillas healthy, perhaps it can help me too.
One thing I am learning is that healing, like life itself, often comes one small step at a time, using faith and tools available to keep my spirits up and not drag me down into a depression as I so often did in the past.
From my heart to yours,
Marlene Z Kaiser
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