That’s how I felt when I sat down to write today. I’ve written several blogs, and I wanted this one to be about anything… and that’s how it began.
Suddenly, I don’t have anything to say.
But something stayed with me from last night.
I was listening to President Monson speak at a women’s conference on my iPhone. He was in a lighthearted mood, joking at times, but his message was about something very serious — being judgmental.
That stayed with me.
I woke up this morning thinking about it, asking myself how it had affected me.
Years ago, in my 40s, I read a book called Eliminate Your Self-Defeating Behaviors. It was a psychological self-help book, and as I worked through it, I discovered something surprising about myself.
I had made a decision at eight years old.
I had decided I would rather be fat than mean.
My mother’s best friend was overweight, and I loved sitting on her lap. She was kind, warm, and loving, and I felt safe with her. Somewhere in my young mind, I connected those feelings with how she was.
And I chose that.
Throughout my life, I’ve been judged because of my weight. I understand that it happens, and I wish it didn’t, but it does. The more weight a person carries, the more others sometimes see them as less than what they should be.
Even in high school, no matter what I accomplished, my weight seemed to color everything.
I remember my first diet.
I was 14 years old. My father told me he would go on a diet with me if I chose one. I found a 10-day diet, and we followed it together. We even ate things like aspic, which I didn’t like at all.
I did lose weight.
But soon after, I gained it back… and then some.
That became a pattern in my life:
lose weight, gain it back, and then gain more.
At the time, I didn’t realize I was only about 15 pounds overweight. Today, that seems like very little. But that cycle stayed with me.
I once tried to explain this to my granddaughter, hoping she would understand the importance of learning healthy habits early. I didn’t do a very good job, and it upset her. My intention was only to help her avoid the same struggles.
What I’ve come to understand now is this:
Learning to eat in a healthy way — and maintaining that throughout life — is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.
Now, at this stage in my life, I’m trying a different approach.
Instead of strict dieting, I’m learning to adjust the foods I enjoy:
- controlling portions
- being mindful of fats and sugars
- paying attention to what my body needs
I’ve recently started a new plan, and I’m losing weight slowly, but steadily.
I still have a long way to go — about 50 pounds — but I’ve begun.
And that matters.
What I’ve also discovered is this:
Dreams don’t die.
Desires don’t go away.
Even now, I still want to do the things I love, and I want to feel as healthy as I can for whatever time I have ahead.
So I’m trying.
And that, in itself, feels like hope.
💛 A Thought to Take With You
Thoughts we form in childhood are reinforced when we encounter a behavior similar to what caused us to make the decision, we decide unconsciously “Oh, I better make that decision again.” So, we do and repeat the cycle. Becoming conscious of your thoughts and wishes helps to keep us from remaking the same decisions again.
— Marlene Z. Kaiser
From my heart to yours
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